Archive | September, 2012

Appreciate the Beauty

29 Sep

I have a short attention span. I’ll start writing about one thing, and end up on a completely different topic. But maybe, that’s the beauty in writing? Taking you from one place to another, with the fluidity of words.

Hours become days, days become weeks, which become months unto years.

I feel time slipping away from me, grains of grey sand running through an hour glass. The sand used to be pink, with golden flecks that sparkled, but no longer.

‘You are so young!’ I hear them exclaim. ‘You have so much life left to live!’

Is quantity really better than quality?

I daydream about being the busiest person you had ever seen.


Energy fills my body, and I bounce out of bed in the mornings, not drenched from the night’s sweat.
I go for a morning run before I even bother with breakfast. People driving to work early see me out the window, and wonder how anyone could be motivated to run when it’s so cold outside. But you see, I know what it is like to barely walk.

I throw breakfast together while singing at the top of my lungs. I am not out of breath, merely from standing, and I don’t even have to take breaks to sit down. Freshly squeezed orange juice from my strong hands, no longer weakened over time.

I eat my breakfast while reading the paper I had picked up on my run. No longer encumbered by 22 tablets to count out and swallow, breakfast takes no time at all. It does not even cross my mind, that I must to wait an hour to make sure that it all stays down.

I go to my wardrobe and pick out clothes that suit my body and the weather. I no longer need to wear a jumper in the middle of summer, my temperature now regulates itself, and enough time has passed that I am beginning to complain about 35 degree days being ‘too hot’, like all the ‘normal’ people.

My day at work goes quickly, for I enjoy the work and am not in pain, nor needing to lay down frequently as I can no longer hold up my head. I chat with my co-workers, trade gossip and giggle over the cute delivery man. My lunch break is so simple- a sandwich and some fruit, still no pills. Maybe I will even go to the shops in my break, just to look at clothes.

When I finish work, I have plans to go out with my girlfriends. I have a quick shower, with no need for a chair. I spend 20 minutes on my hair, as my arms don’t ache when they are lifted. It looks glamourous, and I feel full of confidence, with no need to hide behind a layer of thin hair. I wear heels. I don’t investigate the nearest hospital, find the closest parking, worry about taking my tablets in such a public space- I don’t have to take them at all anymore. I don’t even pack one spew bag.

We have a light dinner, a few drinks, and dance to the crappy local band playing that night. We laugh about passed time shared, who is dating who, and the skanky chick with the camel toe.

At the end of the night, I hop into a taxi with my feet sore from the high heels and all that dancing. I stay at a friend’s house, not worrying about disturbing them with my late night vomiting, stinking up the guest room with the scent of a nights’ sweat, or needing medication I left at home.

Or maybe I’ll even hook up with that cute guy. I won’t worry about him seeing all the puncture marks on my arms, as its been many months since the last time I had a blood test, and the scarred tissue on the veins themselves are even starting to heal. I don’t worry about scaring him away with my wracking coughs and gasps for air, my all day random spouts of vomiting orĀ diarrhea, my sudden need to lie down flat or lose consciousness.


Sometimes I wish for new body parts, or a whole new body.
I joke about swapping with my friends, about ‘cutting it out’ (whichever organ is currently affecting me the most) and sometimes, when I’m so ill I require hospitalizing, I cross my fingers and hope I won’t wake up the next day.

I get so tired of being sick, and sick of being tired.

And then something wonderful happens, a friend gets some great news, or the plant I’ve been hoping I wouldn’t kill finally has its very first flower, raindrops on a spiderweb, or someone I haven’t heard from in a long time gets in touch with me and cares.
And I remember, the world can be a beautiful place, if you just look at it the right way.

So take off those darkened sunglasses, take a good look outside on a sunny day.
Can you feel spring in the air?
See the way the plants, and weeds, grow furiously right now, each competing for a patch of dirt.
The sun brightens the whole world up, everything looks so much prettier.
Go to the park, get someone to take you.
Watch a dog playing with his master, a father and daughter feeding the ducks.
Sit on the damp grass, smell the trees, and any flowers you find.
Try to find shapes in the clouds if there are any in the sky.

Laugh, cry, smile, feel.
Appreciate the beauty. Because no one will do it for you.