One Year

27 Nov

Its been more than a year since I wrote.

In a year, a lot has changed.

And not for the better.

Last October my relationship of 4.5 years ended.

I moved 300km back to the city to live with my mum, who became my carer again.

I tried to do some volunteer work. They overworked me to the point of collapse, even though they knew I was ill, even though I asked for help. Then informed me I was incompetent and useless.

My best friend of five years was the lead contributor of the insults.

I have spent the last six months, mostly in hospital. My medications have been changed, and changed, and changed again. The pain is agonising. Many times I have thought, ‘I cannot do this any more, I cannot live like this any more’. Screaming. I CANNOT DO THIS ANY MORE

I wake up in the worst pain you could possibly imagine. Its so bad that I want to die, just to make it stop. Mum gives me an injection, another injection. The vomiting slows but the pain is terrible. I try to keep painkillers down, but in the end they are not strong enough. But still we wait, an hour, the slowest hour of your life, just to make sure.

Then we call the ambulance.

They scrape me off the bathroom floor, naked. I am too weak to sit, to dry myself, to move. All I can do it moan. I hold the screams inside, because I know they will worry my mum even more. I am carried to my bedroom, swathed in towels. I am slowly dressed by others. I cannot help. They give me IN Fentanyl. They try to put a drip in, but after four attempts they give up on trying to find a vein. They give me an injection. They are telling me its ok. But its not ok.

They bring in the stretcher, strap me in tight. Wheel me out to the car. School has just finished. Children are talking and laughing as they walk passed the house. An ambulance! How exciting! I wonder if my nosy neighbour has noticed. More Fentanyl. They want to take me to Swan’s, but I need to go to Royal, as that’s where my gastro team is. Royal is ‘ramping’. This means other people in ambulances are still waiting for beds. There is a fire along the way, traffic is blocked. No one lets the ambulance through, even though its the law. Eventually we turn around, and go another way. Every 5 minutes, more Fentanyl.

We arrive and there are seven other stretchers in the room. I know it will be a long wait, but I’m so glad that the paramedics can continue to give me Fentanyl IN until I get taken in.
Sometimes the paramedics will sit with you, and chat. Other times they ignore you, and you are begging them to come back with the drugs. Please, help me.

After two hours, I get a bed. They finally get a cannula in, but they don’t use it.

‘We have to wait for the Chronic Pain Team to decide on your medication.’

The pain team is another ninety minutes. Ninety minutes without Fentanyl. The pain soon becomes unbearable again, I am writhing in pain on the bed. No one can do anything. The pain team arrives, and they give me Paracetamol. Yes. Paracetamol. I have taken Buprenorphine and Tramadol together at home, with no result, and they think paracetamol will solve the problem.

They at least give me another pain patch. My last one ran out five days ago, and I haven’t been well enough to get to the doctors for more. And with that, they tell me I am being discharged. My pain levels are still through the roof. I ask them why I am being discharged.

‘We don’t want you to be dependent on the hospital for help.’

Oh, I’m sorry, here was me, thinking that that’s what you are there for!

Do they really think I want to come in to hospital?

So I get a taxi home. Mum is upset that they released me, but there’s nothing I can do. Four hours later, we have to call another ambulance.

So anyway, that’s currently my life. I don’t go out except to doctors appointments and hospital trips. I am barely able to get out of bed most days. But when I can, I like to make cards for the people who are dear to me. And from now on, since I don’t have anything positive to say about my health, I’m going to be posting my card designs as they are made.


2 Responses to “One Year”

  1. Moongazer November 29, 2014 at 4:30 pm #

    My year has been hideous too ((((hugs))))

    • 100 Steps November 29, 2014 at 11:18 pm #

      I hope things will improve for you soon. Hugs right back at you

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