Tag Archives: lying

Nights Like This

4 May

Nights like this remind me why I moved out of home.

I’m currently in Perth, staying with my mum for a few days. My mum is a fantastic lady. She raised 3 daughters without much help from Daddy; help from Daddy always came with snide remarks and carefully worded put downs.

But my mum, when she gets tired, is not at her best. In fact, she can be kinda mean.

Nights like this remind me why I always hid my pain.

Tonight my limbs are in agony. My back is in agony. I curl up into a tight ball as though holding the pain close will ease it some how. I am resisting the urge to vomit, while sharp pains shoot through my stomach and bowels. This is not uncommon for me, but it never makes it any easier. Panadol takes the pain down about half a point. But I’ll take that half a point, and I’ll run with it. I took Valium to help ease away the panic attack, at the thought of being sick and stuck here in Perth, when I plan to go home tomorrow. I have my girls (dogs, furkids; not people kids) here and they would struggle without Roland or I around. If I’m at home, Roland can be at home with the girls.

I was caught tonight- caught showing my pain. My sister, who has ignored me for the most part while I’ve been staying here, tried to sooth me and asked what she could do. I just lay in my ball and cried. I hate to show my pain in front of people. And of course the inevitable happened- my mum discovered I was in pain.

My mum stresses a whole lot. She stresses about my health, my depression, my anxiety. I always downplay dramas to her- an advantage of living 300km away. I can get away with it, and she doesn’t worry so much. I hope. But tonight she saw me in full broken down mode. She was lovely to me, managed to keep it together even though it was already passed her bedtime. She encouraged me to have a hot shower. The shower is going to lead me to talk about my sister, so here goes.

Sam is a weird one. I can’t work her out. I do not have a close relationship with either of my sisters, nor my step siblings. Sam has gained 2 university degrees which ultimately, have not gained her a good job. She also has something wrong with her nasal passages. This is where the shower comes in.
When Sam is in the shower, she likes to clean her blocked (?) nasal passages. It is the sound of a snorting pig crossed with a dying cat. Not that I’ve ever really heard a cat die, only on cartoons and stuff. But its nasty. If you are one of those people who dry retches easily, you will be there instantly. She will do this for 10-15 minutes with no break. She has a shower morning and night.
Consequently, when I went to have my hot, soothing shower, the water instant began flooding. I could only have a quick shower, because by the time I got out the water was almost ready to flood the bathroom.

Needless to say, I used her towel to dry my feet. Nasty nose goo water is how I imagine it. I was looking forward to having such a nice shower while in Perth too, since ours is in a right state.

When I was getting dressed I heard mum ‘have a go’ at Sam. Mum never shouts. But some how the coldness when she’s cross is worse. She’d told Sam to clean the shower plug and was horrified someone had to suffer through the flooded shower of snot. I was glad I was getting dressed and hiding, and not in the line of fire! But that’s just mum tired. She called to me through the door, still sounding cross, so I called back that I was feeling much better.

Its much easier to lie when no one can see your face.
Nights like this, I would love someone to hold me, and rub all of my aching muscles for me, never doubting that they don’t mind doing it, that they would do anything for me.

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I can’t ask that of Roland.

Nights like this have made me a liar.

I’m still in a lot of pain. My wrists ache from typing. My girls are falling asleep, as I should be. Tomorrow afternoon I will be doing the long drive home.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

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